Ask Paul: My wife won’t stop giving our adult kids handouts
By Paul Clitheroe Published on August 9, 2023
Dear Paul,
My wife and I are disagreeing over money lately.
We're in our 50s, with adult children, and several years ago my wife opted to give up her full-time job to pursue a small business.
Unfortunately it's really more of a hobby, and it costs more than it brings in, but it makes my wife happy and if we live carefully then we can manage without the second income.
But our adult children are always asking my wife for money.
They work but they seem to prefer to spend their own money on holidays and eating out, then approach my wife when there are bills to be paid.
She doesn't like saying no, whereas I think they need to learn to budget better. We have a mortgage on our home, and with rising interest rates and bills, I'm worried about our future retirement. - Bryan
This is quite a dilemma, Bryan, so I should not chuckle, but we clearly live in the same universe.
Some years ago I was really keen to give our youngest daughter solid money skills and teach her how to live to a budget.
So we sat down and worked out her spending plan for her last year at school. It was not a big amount, so we gave it to her in advance. Along comes the end of year and I ask how she went. She proudly told me she had "saved all of it". This was a complete mystery to me until, much to my amusement, I discovered that my wife, Vicki, had "helped her out" with expenses during the year. Oh well.
But this is about you being financially independent in retirement. This is a serious issue. What is needed here (I suggest rather nervously) is firstly a chat with your wife about the fact that you are not assisting your kids with their money skills. In fact, you are being a negative influence. Rarely in life do we find a "money tree" and I suggest you find a way to trim it.
The critical issue is you are not providing essential care to kids, you say you are funding holidays by paying their bills.
What I would suggest as step two, is a chat with the adult kids about the critical need for you to increase your mortgage repayments not only for rising rates, but you need to get the house paid off ASAP. This means much less disposable income for you and your wife and you need the kids' help to do this.
This conversation is going to require great tact and delicacy. I am not encouraging a relationship crisis, which is a real possibility.
Giving to the kids makes your wife happy and I can already sense "Scrooge" accusations, unless you are really cautious in your approach. With a mortgage, though, I cannot see how any reasonable kids would not agree that you should get it paid off. After all, they will eventually inherit the home!
You have a right to a comfortable retirement and, to be quite frank, you are doing the kids no favours by acting as their "money tree".
Angels fear to tread in this very complex area of couples living together with different views on money. This may be too negative, but I have seen relationship splits over money issues like this. Walk gently.
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10 responses to “Ask Paul: My wife won’t stop giving our adult kids handouts”
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Oh Yes Paul
I am afraid that too many of us simply give in to avoid conflict. {my wife and I included} The problem is are you avoiding conflict or creating a bigger disaster in years to come.? I think unfortunately at some time a hard stance needs to be considered and adopted. But not without a great deal off thought on how to approach it.
i wonder why i struggle and then i read storries like this and find out that everyone elses mum and dad are paying thier bills for them!
Get all parties to read at least a quick internet summary of the findings in The Millionaire Next Door (includes studies on intergenerational wealth habits) before any more handouts.
No not everyone else's parents are paying their kids bills. I think kids need to be more respectful and appreciative of their parents and their financial situation. Unless it's an emergency or the money is repaid, working kids shouldn't be leaning on their parents.
In the book 'The Millionaire Next Door' (Danko & Stanley) this is referred to as Economic Outpatient Care (EOC). The impact is the children do not develop good monetary habits – they spend rather than save.
This worked well for my late spouse and me. My suggestion is – talk to your wife about the increasing cost of living and mortgage payments. Suggest that all bills and debts should be budgeted for and paid first e.g. debts, food, insurance, repairs, medical, transport, etc etc – through a "our living account". A total should be arrived at – with a percentage also being added for a rainy day. Any remaining "free" money should be divided equally between you and your wife – for each to use as they wish. If your wife chooses to donate to her business – or to your rather thoughtless kids or grandkids, that is her choice. You, in the meantime should use your share as you wish – savings, investments, hobbies etc. Neither party should pressure the other to alter their choices or plans. Any deductions from the living account should be after full discussion – and (if required) with joint signatures. P.S. Don't tell ANYONE what you have accrued.
This should be done on a monthly or weekly basis. Make it a strong, required habit.
Thanks for your insight BobbieI' m a step dad to 2 girls 19 and 21 who both have boyfriendsThe boyfriends come and go as does my youngest stepdaughterThe girls first come to their mother to check its ok if their boyfriends can be paid for during a family meal etc -my wife just agrees ALL the time -my personal views are that the boyfriend should at least on some occassions offer to pay for himself and my daughter but it never happens. The eldest is v entitled and keeps asking her mother if the boyfriend can come to Spa days (cost £100) – I am out of the inclusion for any views on this from the kids perspective who know my stance of the boys should somehow offer and pay for some things -they also know my wife will always say yes. They come and eat food here , I pay for both the girls car insurance and I am the main breadwinner in the family. The eldest works 3 days a week and studies from home. They have recently cut off all contact from their dad -I'm keen not cause rifts but the eldest stepdaughter has on many occasions shown her alfa female character direct to my wife and been v rude but again my wife just brushes it aside and continues to give and give. My wife also loves the daughters boyfriend , they both build his ego up and at all costs want to make sure he is happy
There is another problem that is not pointed out in the discussion here.When the parents are high income, there is no difficulty for them with paying the house or saving for retirement. But nevertheless it does not mean that it is therefore fine to just "share" the remaining with the children.Doing so would likely encourage entitled or irresponsable financial behaviors from the child. In a way it makes the problem worse in the case where a parent has a difficult time "not sharing" its own money. Teaching children to be responsible and autonomous financially by not over giving is a separate problem than can i afford to give to my children.